A Simple Understanding
by Cutieqtpie
Summary: Chapter 5 now added...!!
1. Default Chapter

Abby had had a really stressful day. Fifteen minutes before her shift ended, she decided to take a short break to the roof for a quick cigarette before going home. Since the roof was almost always empty, she always went up there when she was stressed and wanted to get away from the chaos in the ER.  
  
As she opened the door to step onto the roof, she noticed two people were already occupying the area. She was about to turn around to leave them alone, but one of the people caught her eye. As she saw him lean down to kiss the woman, she backed out of the doorway, embarrassed and mortified at the same time. She ran down the stairs quickly, still ashamed of what she had witnessed. Almost not wanting to believe it, she held back the tears that were starting to form. She couldn't let anyone know what she had seen.  
  
Why had Carter been kissing Susan? He had told Abby that she had too much baggage and she was too attached to Luka. She had heard a rumor that Mark and Susan had been an item before she left for Phoenix. Wasn't that baggage too? Was she actually jealous? God, why was she acting like this? It was natural for two people to kiss. It was just strange to see Carter kissing someone else. Well Luka had moved on from her, shouldn't Carter move on also? But John was different. It wasn't a past relationship to just get over. It was the thoughts of what might have been or could have been. All these thoughts ran through her head as she gathered her belongings out of her locker and prepared to go home.  
  
As she reached to open the door to the lounge to leave, it opened from the other direction.  
  
"Oh, Abby, I'm sorry. Did I hit you?" Abby could tell Susan had been laughing but had stopped as soon as she came through the door.  
  
"Uh, no. Excuse me, I have to go." Abby said quickly and rushed from the room. She was already through the ambulance bay doors before Carter joined Susan in the lounge.  
  
"Oh, you just missed Abby. She was acting really strange though. I think I hit her with the door when I was coming into the lounge. I apologized, but she blew me off." Susan explained to Carter.  
  
"Hmm, I wonder what's wrong with her." John thought to himself, but aloud replied, "I'm sure she didn't mean to be rude."  
  
"So, you want to go get something to eat?" Susan asked, hopefully.  
  
"I am so sorry that I forgot to tell you. I promised Gamma I'd go visit her."  
  
"Oh, that's okay. Tomorrow is fine." Susan said, somewhat disappointed. Carter could sense her disappointment, but he couldn't let down his grandmother. He gave Susan a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving the hospital. He made a quick stop at his apartment to change his shirt and grabbed a piece of fruit before jumping back in his car and driving to the large family estate. He rang the doorbell and was shortly let in. After putting up his coat, he started up the stairs to his grandmother's room.  
  
When he reached the top of the stairs and had gone down the hallway to the last door on the left, he quietly knocked on the large door before sticking his head in the room. Realizing that Gamma was sitting up in her bed, John entered the room and went over to her.  
  
"How are you feeling today Gamma?" John asked, giving her a kiss on the cheek and taking her hand.  
  
"Well, I must say I have felt better. I wish I were able to leave this God forsaken bed though."  
  
"Give it time. You've only been home for three days." Carter said patiently.  
  
"I know John, but I just feel so confined in this bed, and you know how I hate feeling tied down."  
  
"I know Gamma. You need rest though. Doctor's orders." John said and smiled.  
  
"Speaking of doctor's, I haven't received any more flowers from Dr. Lewis lately."  
  
"I told you she apologized. It was an honest mistake." Carter tried to explain much to the disapproving looks of his grandmother.  
  
"Are you two sleeping together?" Gamma asked after a moment.  
  
"Gamma!" John exclaimed.  
  
"Well I know it's the twenty-first century and things like that do happen."  
  
"Can we please not talk about this."  
  
"What ever happened to the other girl? The nurse?"  
  
"Abby?"  
  
"She seemed nice enough."  
  
"Yeah, well I kind of messed things up with that." Carter said, bowing his head.  
  
"How?"  
  
"I told her how I felt about her last summer, but she was in the middle of a relationship and she didn't respond and things just kind of fell apart."  
  
"Do you regret that you let her get away?"  
  
"In a way. On one hand, I think what does it matter, it would never have worked out, there are too many complications."  
  
"What's life without complications?" Gamma interrupted.  
  
"On the other hand, I do miss her. She was my best friend. She opened up to me about everything, but I got selfish and let that slip through my fingers. Then when I got another chance I told myself the damage had already been done and closed my ears to her." Carter said, not paying attention to what Gamma had said.  
  
"But what about Dr. Lewis?"  
  
"I don't know what to think. I had a crush on her a long time ago and I wanted those feelings to come back so badly that I've been making myself believe."  
  
"It sounds to me like you know what you want." Gamma said, knowingly.  
  
"If only it was that simple."  
  
"I'm sure if you tell Abby exactly what you just told me, she will understand. I want you to be happy John. And last year was the happiest I'd ever seen you. I know you may not believe me, but I think she brings that out in you. I saw you at your grandfather's funeral. I saw your smile. She brought that out in you, and I have to say I was beginning to miss it."  
  
"Gamma." John started to say.  
  
"Go to her John. Don't wait. Tell her how you feel and don't let her slip away again. Take the advice of an old woman and just do it." Gamma said and squeezed her grandson's hand.  
  
"Thank you." John whispered and leaned down to hug his grandmother.  
  
"Just go tell her." Gamma whispered back as she wrapped her arms around John. "I love you." Gamma said with a smile and sighed as she watched John leave.  
  
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	2. Part II

Abby wandered around for a couple of hours before going home. She needed a few things from the grocery store and decided to take care of that errand and while she was at it, decided to rent a movie to watch as well. She was in the mood for a comedy after her depressing day, so she rented "When Harry Met Sally." When she had finally carted her three bags of groceries to her front door, she noticed someone was already occupying the spot on her front step.  
  
"Abby." John said and started to stand up.  
  
"What do you want Carter?" Abby said, annoyed, as she tried to go around him to unlock her door.  
  
"I want to talk to you." Carter said and moved to avoid being hit by a swinging grocery bag.  
  
"Go away."  
  
"Well it's good to see you too."  
  
"John, I mean it. Please. I've had a crappy day." Abby said, finally getting the door open.  
  
"Here, let me help you with the bags." Carter said and tried to reach out to help Abby balance the bags. She took a step in the other direction and one of the bags slipped out of her hands. John reached over and picked it up.  
  
"When Harry Met Sally. Good movie. Meg Ryan has never really been my favorite actress, but I still love the movie." John commented after reading the label off the contents of the bag he had picked up.  
  
"Did you come here to annoy me?" Abby asked, snatching the movie away from Carter.  
  
"No, I really did come to talk to you." John said, stepping into the apartment.  
  
"Well, you're standing in my living room and you have my full attention. What do you want?"  
  
"I just came from my grandmother's house."  
  
"How is she doing?" Abby asked, softening a little.  
  
"She's impatient as hell, but I keep trying to tell her she should have thought about that before she decided to get in the car."  
  
"I'm sorry. I've been meaning to send her flowers or something."  
  
"It's actually a better idea if you don't. Susan sent her lilies and she got the wrong message."  
  
"Lilies? Don't those symbolize."  
  
"Death. Yes. It was an honest mistake. I tried to tell Gamma that."  
  
"Poor woman. Probably thinks Susan is out to get her." Abby said and brought the bags into the kitchen and started to unload them into their appropriate places.  
  
"I miss talking like this." Carter said after a moment of watching her in the kitchen from the other room.  
  
"Well now you have Susan to talk to." Abby said, continuing to put away groceries.  
  
"We broke up." Carter spoke after a few minutes of thinking about what he was going to say.  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that." Abby responded without enthusiasm.  
  
"The relationship was based of past feelings and it was just a matter of time before it fizzled out." Carter tried to explain.  
  
"Why are you telling me this?" Abby asked and rubbed her now aching forehead.  
  
"I want to be your friend again, Abby. I want things to go back to the way they used to be." John said, somewhat apologetically. Abby's reply, however, was an upset glare.  
  
"Why, Carter? So when you feel like hurting me again I'll feel better because it's already happened before?"  
  
"I never wanted to hurt you."  
  
"Well you did. Are you happy now? John Truman Carter hurt Abby Lockhart. No big deal, right? Abby doesn't care, Abby's stronger than that. It's been like that my entire life." Abby yelled, trying to hold back the tears that she couldn't let him see.  
  
"Abby." John started to say.  
  
"Please, John, please just leave." Abby pleaded.  
  
"Abby." Carter repeated.  
  
"Please." Abby said a final time. John gave a final sigh and turned and left the apartment. As Abby watched the door slam shut, she put her head in her hands and leaned her elbows against her kitchen counter and just sobbed.  
  
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	3. Part III

The next two weeks went by extremely slow for Abby. She made herself busy at the hospital to compensate for the fact that she was lonely everywhere else. When she did go home, she couldn't sleep, and spent many nights switching channels on the television or trying to find anything else to do. One night she decided to clean her entire apartment. She was cleaning through her living room when she discovered a tape wedged between her TV and the space behind it. She pulled it out and realized it was "When Harry Met Sally."  
  
"God." She thought to herself. "I must've forgotten to take it back. Great, now I'll be paying late fees for the rest of my life."  
  
Having nothing else to do, however, she popped the tape into her VCR and started to watch the movie. By the time it got to the part where Harry confessed he was in love with Sally, Abby was bawling. She had never cried during this movie before, but somehow due to recent events in her life, it upset her this time. She looked at her watch and realized it was almost one o'clock in the morning. Her shift started at 8 the next morning so she went in and lay down on her bed, even if she wasn't going to sleep.  
  
As she lay there, she thought of Carter for the millionth time. He had been on her mind constantly for the past two weeks. He was the reason she hadn't been getting any sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw his face, staring down at her, begging for an explanation. She couldn't go on living like this. She swung her legs out of the bed and walked towards her kitchen. She started rummaging through cabinets and finally found what she was looking for. She grabbed the bottle and sat it on her kitchen table. She sat down in front of it and just looked at it. How could something no more than a piece of glass with a clear liquid in it be her biggest enemy?  
  
  
  
Carter had just gotten home at 12 from a twelve hour shift. He was physically exhausted, but he knew there was no way he could sleep. He kept seeing her face. Full of hurt, anger, and fear all at the same time. He nearly died every time he saw that image in his head. Why did he have to love her so much? It was bad enough he had had to explain to Susan that their relationship was never going to work. He sacrificed it for Abby.  
  
He crawled into his bed and was staring at the ceiling when his phone rang. He looked at his clock and realized it was almost 1:30. Wondering who it could possible be, he looked at the caller ID. Recognizing the number, he quickly answered the phone.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
"John." As soon as she spoke, Carter knew there was something horribly wrong.  
  
"Abby, what's the matter?" He asked concerned.  
  
"I.I." Abby started to say, but couldn't finish.  
  
"I'll be right over." Carter said and rolled out of bed and started to pull clothes on.  
  
"Thank you." Abby softly whispered before hanging up the phone.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Carter was gently knocking on her door. After a few moments, the door slowly opened and Carter walked in. The first thing he noticed was how bad Abby looked. She looked like she hadn't slept in days. He looked around the apartment until his eyes fell on something sitting on the kitchen table.  
  
"Abby," Carter said cautiously. "Please don't let that be what I think it is."  
  
"I couldn't bring myself to do it." Abby said, ashamed, and hung her head. "I just sat and stared at the bottle. I couldn't stand it anymore and I just wanted it all to stop. But I couldn't bring myself to do it."  
  
After Abby got this out, she started to cry. She tried to turn away and hide from John before he could see her tears, but she was too weak and tired. She had her hand over mouth still trying to stifle her cries, but she just broke down.  
  
"Abby, don't torture yourself. It's okay to cry." John said, trying to comfort her. He tried to reach out to her, but she took a step out of his reach. He took another step closer to her and she couldn't resist any longer and before she knew it, she was wrapped in his arms and still sobbing. They stayed like that for almost ten minutes before Abby broke away.  
  
"I'm sorry to have called you so late. I know you must have been asleep. I held the phone trying to decide whether or not to do it and before I really knew what I was doing, you were answering the phone." Abby started rambling in attempts to ease the awkwardness of the situation. She went and sat down on her sofa and John came and sat down next to her.  
  
"I wasn't asleep. Besides, I don't want you to do anything you'll regret. I do care about you Abby, even if you don't want to believe anyone does." John said calmly. "And I don't feel sorry for you because of your so-called horrible life, or having to put up with your mother, or Richard, or even Luka for that matter. You need to do things for yourself, something that will make you happy."  
  
Carter said this and then started to stand up and walk towards the door.  
  
"Please don't go." Abby pleaded and turned towards Carter. "Just stay for a little while. Please."  
  
Carter couldn't look at her face and say no so he went and sat back down on the sofa.  
  
"Thank you, John." Abby whispered. Her eyes felt so heavy, and she had to shut them. She stretched out on the sofa and was soon asleep. Carter went into Abby's room and grabbed the quilt off of her bed. He brought it back into the living room and stretched it out over Abby's body.  
  
"Good night, Abby." John said softly. He watched her sleeping peacefully for a few minutes before slipping out the front door. When he reached his own apartment, it was 3:30 am and he groggily got into his own bed and for the first time in weeks, had a decent night's sleep.  
  
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When it seems like nothing's going my way  
  
And I don't know how to face another day  
  
You break into my thoughts and I have to say  
  
I look at you  
  
When times are tough and troubles fill the sky  
  
And I don't know how I'm gonna survive  
  
You break into my thoughts and I wonder why  
  
I look at you  
  
It seems so simple, just to say it like that  
  
Maybe if I keep telling myself it will make it a fact  
  
My friends say I'm crazy not to tell you how I feel  
  
But when I work up the courage, it never seems real  
  
I'm drowning in sorrow and I don't know how to get out  
  
But then I look at you  
  
Maybe someday you'll feel the same emotion  
  
When you open your eyes you'll see my devotion  
  
Until then, however, it will remain a secret  
  
Locked in my heart is where I'll keep it  
  
If I look into your eyes, I know that I'll tell  
  
They turn me to jelly and then I just melt  
  
These feelings are ones that I've never felt  
  
You break into my thoughts in my personal hell  
  
And I look at you  
  
So what should I do now, I've resorted to asking you  
  
I've tried everything else, but I still don't know what to do  
  
The hurting will stop if you just say it's not true  
  
You keep breaking into my thoughts and I don't know what to do.  
  
Please just make it stop.  
  
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	4. Part IV

This is part 4 of my series. Sorry it took so long, but my grandmother is in town and things have been really hectic around my house. I hope you enjoy. Part 5 should be up sometime tomorrow or really late tonight. Please review!  
  
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Abby woke up at 6 the next morning and jumped out of bed. The events of the night before slowly leaked back into her memory. She walked into her kitchen and opened a cabinet and pulled out a small container. She opened the lid and after pouring two pills into her hand, popped them in her mouth. She poured herself a glass of water and took a sip of the liquid and swallowed the pills. She didn't feel like eating anything and in fact almost felt ill. She walked back towards her bedroom and went into her bathroom. She turned on the shower, and after finding a good water temperature, she stripped off her clothes and stepped in. She let the water pound against her face as she struggled to remember more the night before. All she really remembered was Carter coming over and her crying. The last memory was her asking John not to leave and then nothing.  
  
John. She closed her eyes and sighed as she thought of him. She wondered how long he stayed before going home. The bottle was missing off her kitchen table, so he must have done something with it. Twenty minutes later, she stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around her body. As she walked into her bedroom, the phone began to ring.  
  
"Hello?" Abby answered the phone.  
  
"Hey, it's John."  
  
"Oh, uh, hi." Abby answered nervously.  
  
"I was wondering how you were. You were asleep when I left last night and you were in pretty rough shape."  
  
"I'm fine. Really. I don't know what got into me. I was stressed and then I wanted a drink, and then I remembered I couldn't have a drink and then I was stressed again. I really shouldn't have called you. I don't know what I was thinking."  
  
"Are you on today?"  
  
"No. For the last two weeks I've totally maxed out and I think I'm banned from entering now."  
  
"Well I called in sick this morning. I think we should go to a meeting."  
  
"Carter."  
  
"I know I can't tell you what to do, but I really think you should. You'll feel better."  
  
"I don't know Carter." Abby spit out, trying to resist.  
  
"I'm not going to force you, but I'm picking you up in twenty minutes."  
  
"Now that doesn't sound like forcing at all." Abby said, being sarcastic.  
  
"Bye."  
  
"Bye." Abby sighed and hung up.  
  
She walked into her closet and emerged a few moments later wearing a pair of dark jeans and a black turtleneck shirt. As she pulled her hair back into a ponytail, she heard her phone ring and figuring it was John again, she answered it quickly.  
  
"Change your mind?" Abby said sarcastically.  
  
"Abby? Is that you?"  
  
"Mom? Wow, I haven't heard from you in a while."  
  
"I know. But I really need to talk to you."  
  
"What's the matter?" Abby asked.  
  
"I'm not quite sure how to tell you this."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I have breast cancer. I went to the doctor last week and he found a lump. I, um, I'm having surgery next week."  
  
"Oh my god." Abby said, sitting down on her bed.  
  
"I don't want you to worry or anything, I just wanted you to know."  
  
"Do you want me to be there?"  
  
"There's no reason to make you go through all that trouble. I'll call you sometime next week to let you know how things went." Maggie said. The conversation was then interrupted by a knock on Abby's door.  
  
"One minute." Abby called out.  
  
"Oh, you have company.I'll let you go."  
  
"I love you Mom. You'll get through this."  
  
"Yeah, I love you too." Maggie said with a smile and hung up. Abby did the same and remembered Carter was probably still standing at her door. She sighed and stood up and walked towards the other room.  
  
"Hey. Come on in, I'll be ready in a sec." Abby opened the door and said. John followed her in and shut the door.  
  
"What's the matter? You look upset about something." John noticed as Abby went into her bedroom to grab a jacket.  
  
"Uh, no, I'm fine. It's just been a long day." Abby said, being careful to avoid looking him straight in the face. "You ready?"  
  
"Yeah, let's go." Carter responded. He waited while Abby locked her front door and then led her to his car. The ride to the meeting was silent except for John glancing several times at Abby. When they got to the recreation center, Carter pulled into a parking space and looked at Abby one more time. She was looking distractedly out the window. She didn't realize he was calling her name for a few moments.  
  
"Are you sure there's nothing wrong?" Carter asked, still worried.  
  
"Yeah. Come on, let's go." Abby said and opened her car door. John shook his head and got of the car as well and the two walked side by side into the building. 


	5. Part V

I finished this sooner than expected because my sister wasn't home to bug me. I'm not sure if this will be the last part or not. Thank you for all your reviews and continuing support through the time I have been writing this. Upcoming stories will be posted as soon as I write them. Once again, thank you for your lovely reviews, your encouragement made me want to continue this forever, even though that could not happen.  
  
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Once inside Abby went and sat down and John went to get them both coffee. He brought it back to Abby and took the seat next to her. Handing her the Styrofoam cup, he took a sip of his own and leaned back in his chair. Carter was about to break the awkward silence as the man who had been speaking sat down, but Abby began to stand up and walk towards the podium. Surprised, John watched silently as she got to the podium, sighed, and began to talk.  
  
"I haven't shared in a while. Mostly because I think the whole thing is way too cheesy, and maybe that's part of the reason I'm standing here right now. Last night I decided I'd had enough of sobriety. Damn the consequences. Why bother being a part of a life that was falling apart so rapidly. I had the bottle sitting in front of me, but all I could do was look at it. It was like there was an invisible force around it, prohibiting me from picking it up, even though I wanted to so badly. Five years ago, that would be how I would solve a problem." Abby paused for a moment before continuing.  
  
"I received a call from my mother this morning. I haven't spoken to her in a few months so her call was totally out of the blue. She has been diagnosed with breast cancer. After years of wishing she would die, I now realize that she's all I have. Without her, I am totally alone, and that scares me. After years of being frustrated at the idea of having to deal with her, I now want her to live more than anything." Abby paused one more time and bowed her head and then continued.  
  
"Last night I had the ability to make everything go away. Everyday we are faced with the prospect of everything going away, but I know the consequences and that really scares the shit out of me. I used to drink to make my mother go away. Now I want to drink to make her stay. I must admit that I did not want to come here today or to admit that I still have the temptation to drink. But both of those things are true. I want a way to stop my pain without drinking, but I'm not sure if that's possible. Maybe that's why I'm standing here right now, or why any of us stand up here. There's not a way to stop the pain and we all know it. I think that applies to all things, not just being an alcoholic." With that, Abby stopped and stepped away from the podium. Afraid she was going to cry, she walked quickly down the center aisle and out the exit, not even looking John in the face. As she pushed through the door though, and felt the cool breeze on her face, she turned around and realized he was standing right behind her.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" John asked angrily.  
  
"I just found out right before you picked me up."  
  
"That's what was bothering you. I can't believe you just sat there and didn't tell me."  
  
"Why do you care so much? What does it matter to you?"  
  
"I'm your friend. I want to support you. I don't want you to have to go through things by yourself because I know what might happen if you do."  
  
"I'm not going to start drinking again."  
  
"You almost did. Last night, in fact." Carter said, matter of factly. Abby just shook her head and started walking away. "I'm not going to watch you do this to yourself. You've gone through too much to have yourself fall apart like this."  
  
"I'm not falling apart. I have never fallen apart before and I will not fall apart now." Abby said, trying to be strong.  
  
"Tell that to yourself one more time, Abby, see if you really believe it. Because I think if you look hard enough you'll see what I see, that you're just lying to yourself to get over your pain. Everything you said inside there you just forgot about as you walked through the door. You deserve everything in the world, but you're holding yourself back because you don't want to get hurt again and be held to your pain. Life is about taking chances, you should know that by now." By this time, Carter had caught up with Abby and whipped her around to make her face him, even though she refused to look directly at him.  
  
"What gives you the right to talk to me like this?" Abby whispered.  
  
"Because I love you and you know it, but you're afraid of what that means." John said, looking at Abby and lifting her chin with his hand to make her look him in the face.  
  
"Why me? Go find yourself some young skinny blonde."  
  
"Because I wouldn't be happy with some young skinny blonde. You're the only person I'd be happy with." Carter said and smiled. Slowly, Abby started to smile too and suddenly she felt herself being drawn to John. They both leaned in at the same time and gently at first, began to kiss. As soon as they touched, they both felt a bolt of electricity rip through their bodies. They broke apart and Abby smiled once again and wrapped her arms around John's neck and pressed her lips to his again. When they broke apart a second time, John was the first to speak.  
  
"Well I must say it's about time we did that."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For making me realize I'm not as alone as I thought I was." Abby said and smiled and kissed Carter again.  
  
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